Match. com Dating and Disabilities

How not to stalk him after a date

By Dave Singleton

It happens to even the best women out there: After date number one with a guy, they devolve into virtual stalkers.

O.K., Ill admit: Stalking is an overly-harsh term. Theres no fear of danger or thoughts of calling law-enforcement officials on the part of the stalkee (as there is in true cases of stalking). So lets call this stalking lite. What Im talking about is a romantic fixation that you act on to your dating detriment. Whether its rummaging through his work papers while hes in the bathroom, driving past his place repeatedly just to check whether the lights are on or asking mutual friends for constant updates on him, lets face it: Its not pretty.

So why do we do it

Because we can. Technology makes it easy.

Because we have an insatiable curiosity combined with a need for instant gratification.

Because sometimes were so self-absorbed, we just dont think about what were doing.

Because we think more contact and information will make things go better between us. But as Kathleen Ritter, 43, learned first-hand, this behaviour doesnt make anything better. As much as you think it will help you, it only ends up hurting you. Why sabotage yourself and look pathetic with someone new

So before you do something youll regret later, follow these tips to make sure your dating behaviour comes off as acceptable interest instead of alarmingly over-eager:

Tagging tip no.1: Describe your dateable qualities
Your first challenge is to create a list of tags that embody you. Ask yourself how youd describe your personality (OutgoingGuy), interests (FilmNoirFan), and career (Veterinarian). Keep a slip of paper with you during a typical day so you can scrawl down brainstorms you have as they occursay, StarbucksAddict as you line up for an after-work latte. Also ask a friend to call out all the qualities that come to mind when he or she thinks of you, and write them all down, suggests Wodtke. Pick all of the good qualities, of course, and give special consideration to any words that make you unique.

Keep in mind that your tags will be read by prospective partners, so you may want to recast any terms that could be misconstrued or work against you. For example, CouchPotato or SuperSexy might be accurate descriptions, but could backfire on a dating sitewe humbly suggest IloveHBO and PassionatePersonality as replacements.

Tagging tip no.2: Get creative with your word choice
While its a good idea to have a few tags that indicate important facets of your life like Moviegoer or AspiringActor, some tags you come up with canand shouldbe purely for fun. The trick in online dating is to make yourself stand out, and unusual tags can help you in this goal, says Wodtke. So, ask yourself what thoughts or habits make you truly unusual, whether thats LovePoppingBubblewrap or AfraidofClowns. Its never a bad idea to show who you really are because youre more likely to find someone who will like you for who you really are, explains Wodtke. And thats everyones ultimate goal.

The trick in online dating is to make yourself stand out, and unusual tagslike LovePoppingBubblewrap or AfraidofClownscan help.

Weve all been there, and now theres a cool new way to communicate in shorthand online, both on social networking sites and online dating ones like Match.com. While it doesnt replace traditional profiles, it offers another more succinct, shorthand way to describe yourself and search for potential mates. Its name Tagging.

Simply put, tags are words that describe what you like and what you are like: Imagine a separate column alongside your profile that just lists keywords like Tallgirl, Surfer, SarcasticWit, and StarWarsFreak. Since tags are short, they allow online daters to pack a lot of their interests and personality into their profile without making viewers eyes glaze over.

Whats more, since you can search by tags, they help people with eclectic interests connect. There may be a lot of options youd like to search by, but traditional online dating searches dont always give you that option. Ive often lamented that I cant search for a geek who likes both punk and jazz, says Alyssa Wodtke, author of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. The tagging feature lets the music geek Im looking for tag himself as suchand lets me find him. Tags are the perfect way to find that make-or-break quality you may be looking for in a mate.

Find Your Soul Mate Online

I think everything sounds great, but the advice is coming from a beautiful womanthat is not a bad thing, but I dont think she has ever had the dating problems that most have had. I could be wrong.

Dating When Youre Bi

Just wanted to say thanks for an excellent article. Im bisexual myself, and so much of this rang true to me. Its good to see that we are not totally invisible on dating sites! Keep up the good work!

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Exercise caution and common sense
Careful, thoughtful decisions generally yield better dating results. Guard against trusting the untrustworthy; suitors must earn your trust gradually, through consistently honorable, forthright behavior. Take all the time you need to test for a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance, and dont fall in love at the click of a mouse. Dont become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online. If you mutually decide to cross the point of no return, be smart and protect yourself. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provide some of the most current information available about sexually transmitted diseases and preserving your health.

Q: I have very little dating confidence, and I know it shows. What can I do to give off a more confident vibe
A: Try to go on dates during the day where you dont feel as much pressure. Go to a coffee shop, a museum. Do something youd normally do anyway, but take a date.

Q: I cant seem to get past the first date! I think I make a good impression and chat easily. What am I doing wrong
A: A major mistake daters make is that they complain while on a date. They might complain about their job or their family or their friends. They think this makes them look open and honest and interesting, but it actually persuades people to dislike them because they are pessimistic. Think about whether you might, unintentionally, be this type of complainer.

Q: How can I find out if the man Im dating considers me a potential long-term partner
A: You have to ask yourself questions and accept things that may be hard. Such as does he call you during the week Does he involve you in multiple

A major mistake daters make is complaining while on a date. They think this makes them seem open and honest, but it actually persuades people that they are pessimistic.

aspects of his life Has he introduced you to his family Does he help you out when you get very busy Does he volunteer to do things for you If the answers are yes, then he may be in it for the long run. If the answers are mostly nos and he isnt integrating you into his life, then the relationship is short-term. But there is hope that it can change if you express your intentions in a persuasive way by letting him know why you care about him and what he means to you.

Q: Previous girlfriends have accused me of being overly defensive, when Im just trying to stand up for myself. What can I do to prevent this from affecting my next relationship
A: Create a new trigger for yourself. The moment you feel defensive is the moment you should change your words and ask a question, such as Why do you think that Listen to the answer. You might discover your date was never against you and there was nothing you needed to stand up for. Your words are powerful. If you change your words ever so slightly, you change how people respond to you, and you change your life. Thats the message of my book Instant Persuasion.

Q: I tend to be shy with people I dont know, and Im worried that I make a bad first impression with dates. What can I do
A: You can ask the person questions. Perfect your skills as a good listener by asking follow-up questions. Making the other person the center of your attention will help put you at ease, and youll persuade him to become interested in you.

Q: I have a hard time trusting women because Ive been burned more than once. What are some ways I can communicate this and figure out if a woman is being sincere
A: Be sincere yourselfyour honesty will eventually drive her away if shes insincere. Keep in mind that everybody gets burnedthe difference between the winners and the losers is that winners bounce back. And thats true in every aspect of our lives. Winners arent luckier. Winners are

Find out if a woman is sincere by being sincere yourselfyour honesty will eventually drive her away is she is insincere.

persuasive. Winners are resilient.

Q: How do I tell the guy Im dating that weekends should be couple time and not lets hang out with the gang time
A: Well, nothing is automatic. Everything must be communicated and negotiated. You want to speak persuasively by explaining to him what exactly you want to do with him on the weekends. He may find the ideas you have to be very interesting. Say what you do want from him, rather than what you dont want. Thats being instantly persuasive.

Q: Im a 38-year-old man whos ready to get married and have a family. Whats the right way to say this to the women Im dating I dont want to sound like Im only interested in a woman as a potential mother to my children.
A: Well, you cant be 100 percent ready until you meet the woman whos going to be the mother of your children. Perhaps what you really mean is that youre at a point in your life where youre financially and emotionally secure. So talk about that. Talk about what youve learned in your life.

Careful, thoughtful decisions generally yield better dating results. Guard against trusting the untrustworthy; suitors must earn your trust gradually, through consistently honorable, forthright behavior. Take all the time you need to test for a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance, and dont fall in love at the click of a mouse. Dont become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online. If you mutually decide to cross the point of no return, be smart and protect yourself. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention provide some of the most current information available about sexually transmitted diseases and preserving your health.

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